hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
