Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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