i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
All the doctor said was why
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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