I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
