dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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