im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
