waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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