1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
