I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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