I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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