You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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