A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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