I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
