You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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