i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
