last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
