thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
