Christians are straight up FREAKS
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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