I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
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Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
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Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just want to make out with him forever
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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