I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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