he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She even gives head with a lisp.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Randomize
