our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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