At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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