I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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