End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
