the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Randomize
