i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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