UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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