The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
