I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
