Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
