I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
