WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
