you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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