Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
