omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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