she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
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Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
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Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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