we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
