i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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