3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
