i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
