cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
