You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I have demons in me.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
