I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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