she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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