i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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