Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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