I'll bet she douches with gravy.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
