Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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