I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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