whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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