Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
