Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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