my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
