Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
