he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
