youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
