Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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