hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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